siblings
Children
of dark triad personality parents are seen as merely a tool and a
possession.


unsplash.com


Dark triad personality (DTP) traits are narcissism,
Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. These traits manifest in
people as excessive self-love, a manipulative attitude, and a
lack of empathy.

It’s unclear how many people in the population have these traits,
but various studies and estimates put the number somewhere
between 1% and 10%.

DTPs are often reported to have an obsession with themselves, and
they struggle to see the point in other people’s feelings.
Because of this, their relationships are often abusive and
controlling. Romantic partners are
manipulated
, used, and tricked into believing they are crazy,
before being abruptly
devalued and discarded
.

A common question that comes up is whether the offspring of a DTP
would be treated any differently than the individual’s romantic
partners.

Narcissists ‘can never really love anyone’

According to Perpetua Neo, a psychologist and therapist who
specialises in DTPs, the answer is no.

“Narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths do not have a sense of
empathy, they do not and will not develop a sense of empathy, so
they can never really love anyone,” she told Business Insider.

This doesn’t change when they have children. There’s no primal
instinct to protect and encourage their offspring, because they
are not seen as a separate entity. They are merely a tool which
is at their disposal.

“DTPs tend to see children as an extension of themselves and a
possession,” Neo said. “So rather than saying, ‘I’m going to
nurture you so you can grow up to be the amazing person you’re
meant to be,’ [they say] ‘you’re supposed to grow up and do this
so that you’re my trophy.’”

This is very different from the environment a child in a healthy
family would grow up in. Instead of being nurtured and taught the
ways of the world, a child of a DTP parent grows up not knowing
their own sense of self.

“‘I can check your phone, I can do anything I want to do, I can
just barge into your room, basically not respecting your sense of
property,’” is what Neo said DTP personalities believe. “There
are no emotional boundaries, either. So the children grow up not
really sure about what boundaries are.”

The child is expected to fill all kinds of functions they
shouldn’t have to. For example, narcissists tend to be very
unhappy people, with low self esteem, so they unload a lot of
unnecessary emotional baggage onto their children. They are used
as a listening ear for the parent’s problems, and a source of
emotional comfort.

This continues over the years, and Neo says some of her clients
have said their parents told them: “The only reason I had you was
so you could take care of me for the rest of your life.”

“You’re not allowed to have children, and you’re not allowed to
get married,” she added. “The parent would be meddling in all
these different relationships, left right and centre, creating
all sorts of drama, so the child stays single.”

‘The child is expected to be a punching bag’

Throughout their life, the child is also expected to be a
punching bag, either physically or emotionally. This becomes
harder as the child grows older, because they become stronger and
more aware, so the DTP parent will counteract this by hacking
away at their self esteem.

“As the parents grows older, and their health starts to decline,
their sense of self esteem becomes really shaky,” Neo said. “Then
the child grows up, becomes strong, becomes powerful, has more of
a sense of self, and it’s very difficult for the parent to watch.
So there becomes this unhealthy competition, putting the child
down, telling the child they’re fat, they’re useless, they’re
ugly.”

At the same time, whenever the child accomplishes something, the
parent has to take credit for it. For example, they would mention
the fact the child is a very good trumpet player, and the only
reason is because they scrimped and saved for lessons for years,
even if this may not be true.

“Every single thing is always brought back to them,” Neo said.
“So the child is brought up thinking, ‘I have no sense of self, I
have no say, and I do not matter.’”

The ‘golden child’ vs. the scapegoat

The dynamics shift depending on how many children the DTP has.

Sometimes, DTPs will have more than one child, and Neo says it is
remarkable how often the same power dynamics play out in these
families. In most cases, one child becomes the golden child, who
can do no wrong.

“The child can live in fear, because all they want to do is
please mummy or daddy so there’s no trouble — so they will be
loved,” Neo said. “So they get this reward and it’s almost
transactional.”

Then the second child is used as a scapegoat, and is blamed for
everything. So much so, that the DTP parent will enjoy playing
the children off against each other, and create unnecessary
competition.

If there is a third child, Neo says they become the “lost boy” or
the “lost girl,” who is neglected and more or less completely
ignored.

“If you watch the families and see the traits of narcissistic
parents, this is often what plays out,” Neo said. “Essentially,
it’s designed to keep the self esteem of the child low, so the
child will always stay small and as a possession, and there’s a
lot of dictatorship over what a child can or cannot do because
it’s all about the parents’ sense of self.”

Do monsters breed monsters?

One fear children of DTPs have is that they will grow up and turn
into their mother or father. However, according to the blog
NarcissisticMother.com
, written by psychotherapist Michelle
Piper, this is only true in the minority of cases.

Piper writes that narcissistic parents hate the idea of their
children growing up, and want to keep them from doing so as long
as possible to “keep stroking their thirsty but fragile egos.”

“When you, an adult child of narcissistic parents, grow up, you
may feel something is wrong but cannot necessarily identify what
that is,” she wrote. “You may have always associated love and
appreciation with conforming to the demands of your parents, and
therefore assume that is how it all works.”

One less common way children of DTPs react is by growing up with
a “siege response,” which is when you become used to protecting
yourself by becoming less sensitive, walled off, and extremely
independent.

“You would do whatever you had to do to manipulate others and
treat them as if they are the parents who wanted you to meet
their every expectation,” Piper wrote. “This is more or less a
passive-aggressive attack on your parents through other people,
doing to others what you wish you could’ve done to your
narcissistic parent.”

However, the more common response is the “compliance response,”
where you are used to putting your own needs to the side, and
want to bend over backwards to please everyone you meet.

“Children of narcissists, they tend to be taken over by this
compulsion to serve others,” Neo said. “That’s when they become
completely empathetic, over-giving, and are used by more
narcissists and more dark triad people in their lives.”

How you turn out sometimes depends on which child you were in the
family system. They may have avoided the majority of abuse
growing up, but the golden child may actually end up worse off
that the scapegoat.

“The child believes if they do what mummy or daddy wants,
‘everything will be ok — I’m going to be loved,’” Neo said. “And
the moment you don’t do something, you’re going to be completely
devalued, be insulted and scolded. So you learn that your views
and your dreams don’t matter.”

The scapegoat never measured up to the golden child growing up,
but usually they do better in their life than the one who is
essentially the parent’s puppet. They grow and venture out into
the world, and discover freedom. By having more obviously
negative feelings associated with their DTP parent, they are more
able to break free and create an entirely, new, healthy life.

This article was inspired by a question on
Quora
.